Strange Serenity

When I began writing blogs I made a promise to myself, my readers and God that I would be open and candid, that I would be completely real. If you've read my blogs for very long, you know that I have divulged a great deal about myself. I have recounted foolish mistakes as well as personal weaknesses.

But today it is harder for me to "tell it like it is." Perhaps because today, I am not quite sure "how it is." I have that distant, sort of numb feeling you get at the beginning of grief... before any other emotion develops.

It began when I learned that some very dear folks will not be in church with us any more... two couples I love deeply and will miss sorely. I got the news about one couple a few days ago and learned of the other yesterday.

Also, I promised to call a precious friend but have been unable to reach her all day. I pray she is all right.

Then today, I got a phone call from my son Scott. He called to thank us for a Bible and some money we had sent and to tell us he has received a ten year sentence. It was less than I expected but it broke my heart. Later, I got a call from Leo, the investigator working for Scott's attorney. He has befriended Scott and spoke very highly of him. He was a well spoken man and seemed to be a caring person. He told me that there were some things he could not discuss because the other party in the case has not yet gone to trial. I understand.

I have more questions than I will probably ever get answers to but I'm not sure I need the answers anyway. I love Scott unconditionally, irrespective of anything he may or may not be guilty of. I will continue to love him, and I will always seek what is best for him. That does not mean, however, that I support or defend any wrongdoing he may be involved in.

So, this evening, I am quietly a bit melancholy. At the same time, I am very much at peace. There is a serenity in the numbness of my early grief.

I just realized that God arranged the timing of the investigator's call! He called when a sweet friend was here. He was supposed to call later in the afternoon but had another appointment so rang me up early. Come to think of it, the day I got the call about Scott's arrest, another friend was here. It's as if my tender Father in heaven said to me, "I know this is hard for you and I'll be there spiritually and in the person of someone you can look at with your natural eyes, too." Both these friends are Christians... the Holy Spirit lives within them.

The peace and serenity I feel is beyond the comprehension of most folks. It is that peace that surpasses understanding promised in scripture and comes from God alone.