Introspection

I am peacefully tired from playing - see log below - and sometimes when I feel thus, I get introspective. Tonight is such a time. I wonder when I became so much like my mother. I never thought I would be, you know. I was always outgoing and outspoken, she the quiet, reserved one, the people pleaser.

But lessons are learned over time, and as years passed, I began to realize that although unintended, my bluntness was sometimes hurtful to others. Then, there was a brain injury. Next an angry, accusatory letter from someone I loved deeply... Is that how she saw me? Is that how I really was? Deeply wounded, yet unable to respond, I withdrew, assuming the charges to be true. I had not realized it at the time, but my full speed ahead approach to life had taken its toll on others whose needs I sometimes did not see.

Then another brain injury and with it some disinhibition. My mouth was often open when my ears should have been. I opften broke promises because I forgot I made them. I overcommitted and let people down then tried to overcompensate. Gradually, I was becoming a people pleaser and even more tragically, one whose self image was garnered through the imagined opines of others. God graciously granted a degree of healing that allowed me to go to work in a very demanding and social environment at Wal-Mart, thus reversing much of the damage, at least with folks outside my immediate family.

Another brain injury removed me from the workplace and sent me over the edge. I couldn't keep track of conversations, partly due to distraction, partly due to hearing loss. My memory was full of holes and confusion prevailed much of the time. I perceived people as being condescending, and much of the time it was true. Worst of all, when flustered, I "flooded" meaning my brain did not process information well, was in a quagmire of tar or molasses. I kept mostly to myself for a while, but that has never really been "me."

With much therapy and prayer, I began to involve myself again with people and responsibilities. God was gracious and provided opportunities for me to volunteer at church and to mingle socially, but I struggled, still do. I too often found myself longing to be who I once was, which is impossible and thus not a good goal.

Now, taking an objective look at myself (I ask God daily to help me see me as He sees me) I begin to see that God had a purpose in the three brain injuries as He did in allowing me a glimpse at a family member's resentment toward me. I have asked her and others to forgive me and it's time to drop it. I see that I have valuable opinions and insights to offer, and if they are not wanted, it does not make them or me worthless. With God's help, I am working on being more comfortable with my damaged brain, even if some folks may not share that comfort.

I love people. I love to serve. It brings me joy. What I need to do is learn to serve with my mouth shut! That might bring others joy, ;-)

And my day was like this...

• 10:14 Slept until almost 9. Tia and Richard using MySpace IM. Tia will be here next week. 
  
• 12:26 Finished Dean Koontz' Dark Rivers of the Heart (1994) A political thriller, all too real! 
  
• 13:14 Laundry finished. Omelets for lunch. Heading off to Disney to enjoy B.J. Thomas in concert.
  
• 20:25 Loved B.J. Thomas and the Flower & Garden show at Epcot. Ate funnel cake & ice cream, played with butterflies. Saw a friend from Peru.