Lost, Loved & Legal

Yesterday I went to Kaiser twice and both times had to turn around and backtrack my way to the right place. Going to the lab for blood work I didn't put a Sticky on my dash telling me where to go so out of habit drove up to where I get off to see Dr. Sheehy or Dr. McCormick who are in the same area, but nowhere near Kaiser. When I got off the exit I realized I had no clue who I was to see. A short prayer and a quick response and I was getting back on the freeway heading for Kaiser's lab.

Later, when I went to see my doctor, I knew where I was going and how to get there and was even watching for my exit... I just didn't seem to notice that it went by. I was several exits up the road when I realized I was too far. Again, I backtracked to the proper place.

I should be used to these shenanigans by now, but am always a bit frazzled by them, so after seeing my doctor and getting my meds, I napped in the car before heading back. I got as far as McDonald's where I stopped for an Asian salad and more rest.

I was pretty much done for the rest of the day. Later, I got a second wind and did some email. The Bank of Africa wants me to send all my personal and bank info so they can transfer $2.5 millin into my account here. Isn't that nice? I believe that is what's called a 419 scam.

Once in bed, I slept on a stack of pillows and slept very well. I do feel better this morning and am so thankful for all the things God has done for me. I need to keep my brain fresh because I have a deposition tomorrow and I won't be allowed or have time to bring in notes to refer to.

We didn't know that, and now I am concerned that I will not think fast enough or remember the answers to things I should know. God will work it out, but I really hate not having the right answers. I just read how lame that sounds... as if God taking care of it was not enough! That's not what I meant to say.

I was in a deposition before and I guess my worse fear is that the lawyers will twist what I say and get me flustered and I will flood and that would be a real problem for everyone. By "flood" I mean when my brain gets overloaded and can't process information. I become overwhelmed and unable to respond in any sensible way. Thought is mired in a sea of molasses... It's not cool. One time a lady thought I'd had a stroke... really freaked her out!

Anyway, rambling on about it here is like talking it over with an old friend and I'm thankful for the blog. My doctor thinks it's a good thing for me to do even though it sometimes takes me hours on end and can take all day. The doctor also said I needed to tell my lawyer about it... but I forgot until yesterday. I called and they had me send the links... took 7 tries to get that email out.

There's nothing in my blogs or sites that I would hide, there's nothing in my life I would hide, either. Not that it's all good. I've made some bad mistakes along the way, but keeping them secret only lets them continue to be a problem. All my sins have been known by Jesus and forgiven. They are not things to hide but examples of His mercy.

So, let the lawyers read my blogs, I don't care. In fact, I hope they do, for they will hear of my Lord. I can't talk about my life or my heart without talking about the Lord.

What a blessing is iListen! I have completed this blog in record time and will now post with this added prayer request: Please pray for me tomorrow that I don't get anything mixed up, that I can remember the stuff they ask for, that I not flood. Also pray that this case will settle soon in a win-win agreement with both sides coming out of it in a fair and optimal way.

Thanks again for all you encouragers who leave public comments or send private emails. You have no idea what a blessing you are to me.

Plowing for Blood

I am feeling better today but could not get in to the doctor. It isn't their fault. They had called earlier with an appointment for me, but I must not have heard the phone ring and I tend to forget to check voice mail... sometimes for as long as three or more weeks at a time. So I missed that appointment days ago.

I did get in for my fasting blood sugar and cholesterol test this morning. I forgot about it at first, but then remembered. I had not eaten, so it was OK. It had been a long time since the doctor ordered the test, but I was not too motivated to remember it. I never made a note to do it. Finally, Richard nagged me into it.

I wasn't putting off the test because I was afraid of the results. That would not be at all like me. Jesus can deal with the results. I put off blood tests because it is such an ordeal to get any blood from my veins, if in fact the phlebotomist can even find any of my veins. Jesus can take care of that as well but thus far has not chosen to do so. I trust His reasons and know they are born out of love and wisdom far beyond my comprehension.

This morning's lab visit was mercifully fast. The skilled young lady only did one poke, but once in, had to do a lot of maneuvering... I am not sure which is worse, many pokes or a lot of plowing. The blood was taken, however, and I am home and not hungry after eating a baked potato. These are especially tasty after fasting 12 hours.

Our beautiful granddaughter is on the other computer. You should see her pretty fingers fly across the keyboard! A very skilled young lady. She's going to find a job in Monterey where she and her mom, the ever talented Stephanie, will share an apartment. This fall, she'll start college there.

And we'll be in Florida. Oh well, folks like to visit Orlando, so we'll have some company there.

God has made a glorious day and I'm rejoicing in it. While I feel better, I will clean up things a bit.

Sleeping on the Couch

For the past two nights I've been sleeping sitting up on the couch so the contents of my stomach will stay there. I hope to see a doctor tomorrow. I go for blood tests in the morning either way but do not yet have an MD appointment.

It's funny, I have some real bad digestive episodes, then am better, then am worse again. Not a fun cycle and I really am fed up with it... oh, there I go with the bad puns again.

Our granddaughter is here with us for a few days. Smart and beautiful and witty and fun, this 18-year old makes us proud. She sings with the voice of an angel and is a very talented artist as well. I wish I felt well enough to truly enjoy her to the fullest.

That's about it for me. I am going back to my couch-bed. Please pray for healing... I am not a good patient and Richard is a loving, but lousy nurse, LOL.

A Day Off

I'm taking a day off. I wasn't in church this morning. A massive headache led to pain meds which sometimes play havoc with my tummy. This was one of those times and I still feel lousy. Hmmm, maybe it's something besides the pain meds. But anyway, church happened without me. It was our combined service and pot luck day, one of my favorite times at FBC.

We got a call from oldest daughter Stephanie who will be here with her youngest daughter Chani this evening. I hope I'm feeling better by then. Richard is going to get U-Bake (my name for them) pizza for all to eat... I will abstain. Pizza doesn't sound all that good to me just now. Actually, I think I'll opt for fasting... not a religious fast, I only do that when led by the Lord, but a health-based fast. I just don't feel like eating.

I have slept much of the day away half reclined on the couch. I'm thankful I don't have little ones to care for or work that simply "must" be done. It is a blessing to have a husband who is kind and caring and can fend for himself and for me when I feel bad. It's also good to know that Stephanie and Chani aren't coming to check up on my housekeeping; they just want to spend some time with us.

Monday, Americans will take a day off. Memorial Day parades and programs have been taking place all weekend and will spill into Monday when the special day is observed. We honor those who gave their lives to procure and preserve freedom for Americans. While we have allowed some of those freedoms to be encroached upon or stolen through unwise legislation or over reached fueled by fear, most are still part of our heritage. A huge price was paid for them.

So, as we take a day off tomorrow, let us pause to thank God and our fallen heroes for the freedoms we still enjoy. I have created a Memorial Day page to honor those who gave so much. It also has some links, including my free Memorial Day sets and graphics. I hope you will be blessed by it.
http://ionanet.com/press/cards/memorial.htm

Amazing Mystery

Wow! Another early blog post. I'm truly impressed with myself. You think I'm joking, don't you? As for me, I'm not quite sure??? But at least I am sitting here and words are being formed on the page. That whole process is so amazing...

Consider this, whether the words are input by the key strokes of the typist or rendered from the spoken word of the author, the computer interprets it as language, can correct its spelling and even its grammar. Therefore, the computer must have some "understanding" of the text. It must comprehend the meaning behind the words. Is that artificial intelligence or is that simply intelligence... I can't answer that without a definition of intelligence and you can see, we're about to dig a big pit right here.

We could go on to look at cloning. I have an IBM clone computer built by Toshiba. I also have another species of motherboard built by Apple. I'm learning to love and respect both, each for its own fortes. Too bad the technologies don't play nice together and share one another's software, etc. Perhaps someday.... (sigh) Some success has been had cloning animals, and now there is talk of cloning humans. Man has been trying to enhance human reproduction for a very long while, but I really believe cloning is best left to the computers.

There is one aspect of our human personhood that no one has tried to replicate digitally or otherwise (to my knowledge). The soul, the spirit of man which has the capacity to become one with the spirit of God... that Holy Spirit we hear so much about. Jesus told us He is in us and we are in Him... spiritually. That's an honor left to human beings alone. Not to animals and not to machines. It's a mystery to me how that works, but through personal experience, I know it DOES indeed work and it is life changing.

Mindlessness

I don't watch much TV... partly because I have trouble keeping track of story lines, and partly because concentrating on one thing for any length of time turns my brain to jelly. Sometimes, though, when I'm having a bad brain day, TV works fine for me. I just sit and mindlessly stare at it or go to sleep in front of it. Usually Animal Planet or the Food Network.

Today was a day like that. I could not seem to stay focused on any task. I was also beyond conversation. Kept falling asleep or just zoning out. After dinner I stared at Animal Planet until Richard woke me up - I had been snoring. How very genteel! We usually have a time of Bible reading and prayer every evening but I was too far gone for that tonight.

I am quite a bit better off now, but will head for bed and pray for a brighter tomorrow... pun intended.

A Lot to Think About

I saw my neuropsychologist yesterday. Dr. McCormick has been a major factor in my recovery and I don't look forward to trying to find someone with his degree of skill and understanding of brain injury, not to mention his compassion and feet-on-the-ground common sense.

My brain injury presented many new problems and left me with virtually no problem solving skills. Dr. McCormick and my therapist, Holly Anne have helped lead me to solutions for many, many dilemmas. Others helped as well, but these two have been the champs. Although my therapy with Holly Anne was discontinued by the insurance company, she has offered to help if I need advice, etc. We still visit and I consider her a dear friend.

Dr. McCormick is still available to me until we leave California toward the end of July. Yesterday, as usual, he was an immense help. Among other things, he let me know that once my disability is declared Permanent and Stabilized, my check may be reduced to the minimum until the lawyers and I all agree on a final percentage of impairment, etc. and that can take a while. Maybe even years, but probably not. He has seen so many people just devastated by this so was glad to learn we had already realized we had to leave California because we can't afford to live here.

I'm so thankful God had already opened our eyes to the need to find cheaper digs. Considering the income potential for Richard's chosen retirement career of bus driving and the lower cost of housing, and the fact that our daughter and Mickey Mouse live there, Orlando seems to be a logical and fun choice. I can always return here for any legal things, if needed, but I am praying God will let it all just go through without a big fight.

After my visit with Dr. McCormick, I napped in my car for about 45 minutes. I usually rest a while after appointments because my brain gets really tired trying to concentrate when I am with the doctors and I don't drive when my brain is mush. I was really hungry when I woke up so drove over to McDonald's for an Asian salad (they are delish!) I ate under a tree in the Bank of America parking lot before heading home. I had a lot to think about....

And I was still thinking about it today as I packed and numbered and listed and staged boxes. Trimming things down to fit in two 5X8 trailer loads and what will fit in the pickup each trip is going to be a chore. Even so, I'm getting excited about all this and looking forward to what God has in store for us. Whether moving or status quo, how wonderful it is for all His children to see God's blessings anew as each day unfolds. Sometimes I have lost sight of the wonder of that... but thankfully, not for long.

Bev's Here!

My sweet friend Bev came over this morning with boxes for our upcoming move. Then we had a wonderful time of prayer and fellowship. Now I am introducing her to Blogger! More coming soon.

Sorting Thoughts & Other Things

What a peaceful, blessed day. I've had calls from several beloved friends and family members. Haven't talked on the phone that much for a long time. I don't usually think to call people and often struggle to hear, but I heard these callers well except for an early morning caller from Africa. He speaks softly and rapidly with a beautiful British accent (he was educated in England) but it's hard for me to understand him and turning up my volume didn't help.

It's cooler today and very quiet. I am trying to get organized and get the June Handmaidens pages ready for content, but it's slow going for me, so I think I'll change tasks after this blog is done and go sort some boxes in the garage. I burn out on tasks quickly or simply get distracted and wander off and leave them.

We have some idea of the things we'll take when we move and those we won't. We'll not be taking any sofas or love seats, but we'll definitely take the "big fish," a nine-foot long hand carved teakwood fish my brother gave me. Our daughter is taking some of the furniture to her new apartment in Monterey. Other things we'll sell for funding to get replacement furniture on the other end. Our bathrooms are full of lotions and potions and old meds and who knows what all. They need some serious sorting, too.

I am not going to allow the decisions of sorting get the best of me as they sometimes can. I have a hard time making choices now because it's hard to stay focused on all the parameters of the decision... But in the words of my wise and wonderful friend, Ms. Parlee, who just called, "Don't get too attached to anything." How true! It doesn't really belong to us anyway!!

Ms. Parlee is getting ready to go on a mission trip to Liberia for six months to a year. Pastor Rob had asked in one of his comments to my blog if we had considered Liberia when we were seeking a new place to live. He probably thinks I have shrugged that off, but he would be mistaken. Some serious time in prayer and discussion ensued. So, yes, we have considered Liberia. Liberia however offers basically no earnings capacity to service the debts we owe, and we do not feel called at this time to go there. One never knows what will happen tomorrow. The world is wide and God has jobs for His people in many places, in all places, really. If He calls us to one, we are willing to go. Barring a clearer call than we now have, we will continue toward the open doors of Orlando.

Our time line has been moved up so I will be sorting and packing within my tolerances from now on. Then we'll need to get everything clean as a whistle for the new tenants to move in when we leave. If you know good people who want to rent from ideal landlords, let us know. I'll need to ask if they are changing the rent after we leave since although it's more than we can afford, the rent here is under average for the area.

Well, as you see, I have actually done my blog early today. Also, it has only taken about two hours to do. I'm thankful for that blessing.

I Love A Rainy Day

A Sunday brunch with friends in a get together after church warmed my soul on this cool, rainy day. Laughter and good conversation with folks we love... I'm sure gonna miss that! Oh, I know there'll be new friends in a new church, but I'll still miss these dear ones and the good times here.

Isn't it good, though, that love is like the widow's oil in one of my favorite Old Testament stories... it never runs out. So, when we go to Florida and fall in love with the folks down there, it won't mean we love these California folks any less, or the Alabama and Colorado folks we loved before coming here and still love just as much as ever. Come to think of it, love is a pretty amazing thing, don't you think?

Do you recall the old song, "Singing in the Rain?" I always liked that. I think it says a lot more than the surface sentiment would have us believe. It's not just about the happy, carefree falling in love experience... It goes much deeper, more toward the "peace in the storm" sort of joy. So, why all this rain talk? Well, Richard and I took a walk this afternoon and it began to rain. Not a downpour, just a nice, gentle rain, so we walked on in it. Just being together felt good. There's no deep statement here, just a soft thought about a rainy afternoon in California.

I didn't get my blog done early today as I had intended. I took a nap. I took a rainy walk. Richard and I sat on the couch and talked about our future. By five, my brain was jelly and I had to shut down a while. Later, I had a long phone talk with our oldest daughter... a pleasant afternoon and evening. The dogs and I stood out in the rain and watched the empty street for a while. Rainy air smells so good.

Now the husband and pets are all asleep and I, too, am being beckoned to the Land of Nod... It's still raining. I wish I were in a tin building so I could drift off to sleep to the soothing sounds of rain on the roof.

We've Got A Plan!

Lately, I have been remiss about getting my blog out. That is strange because I really do love writing it. Part of the problem is exhaustion. I slept 12 hours last night... a royal waste of time! Seems that I'm always tired by evening because I've run hard all day, yet I don't get much done. Also, my allergies are raging right now.

But on to better things. With God's guidance, we have made a decision about our upcoming move. We are Orlando bound. Housing prices versus earnings potential for Richard make it the most logical place for us. Also, it has been the only place where every door has remained open. We had prayed for the Lord to make His will known to us by closing any door He would not have us enter and opening wide those doors He would prefer to bless us through. That has been happening in a very real way.

We even have a plan in place for the logistics of the move... again, doors opened wide by the Lord. We had already made arrangements for Richard's vacation time so we would attend our daughter's wedding and our family reunion in Colorado June 17 and 18. We will now rent a 5X8 one-way trailer (reserved today) load it full and drive on to Florida after the wedding instead of visiting relatives in Iowa and South Dakota. We'll visit them another time.

In Florida, we'll rent a storage unit for our things and spend some time house hunting. We are screening possibilities via the internet and before we leave will locate a realtor to work with who can line up an itinerary for us. We will also take a list of for-sale-by-owner properties to check out. Hopefully, we'll find the perfect place for us and our budget and arrange for everything before we head back to California. We would then make our final move pulling another trailer load somewhere between July 15 and 31. We should be able to fit all we are taking in two loads with the pickup and trailer since we are not taking much furniture with us.

I am pleased we have made a more or less final decision. Of course, we are ever open to God's leading and have invited Him to clearly intervene if we embark down a road unpleasing to Him. For now, at least, we feel this is where we are to go. There is much peace in that and we are praising God about it. One of our daughters lives in Orlando and Disney World is also in that area along with many other entertainment attractions including The Holy Land Experience which I love.

As for my blog, I am making a resolution to start it earlier on most days so I don't run out of steam before it gets written and published.

Thankful for the Trials

We are just amazed at the outpouring of love and generosity of spirit our housing situation has brought out. Although we do need to seek cheaper housing in another state, we are not destitute, but more than one family has offered to open their homes to us... and they were serious!

Now, while I may offer a place in my home to someone who really needs it, I am not sure I would invite us. We're pretty high maintenance and we come with a lot of baggage. Dogs, cats, a very distractable woman with memory problems and a man who doesn't really notice when a room needs to be tidied up.

Imagine the reaction of the host family when they find undies in the freezer, week old food in the microwave and water left running all night. Just picture their response as our old, half blind dog Higgins barks to be let in and out 15 to 18 times an evening and the cats claim a room of their own and insist people sit down and provide laps for them to languish on.

Most trying of all, however, would be me trying to help out around the house. I would start to vacuum, see a letter I want to answer, leave the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room to go get paper to write on. Then as I sit down to jot a quick reply to my friend, I might notice the chair has a loose rung and decide to get out the wood glue... on the way back to the chair, I might see towels messy on the rack in the bathroom and stop to straighten them. Of course I leave the bathroom without the wood glue and I have by now forgotten all about the letter, chair and vacuum. I am off to the post office or bank or grocery but forget to put a sticky note on the dash so never actually go to my destination. By the end of the day, the vacuum cleaner is still in the middle of the living room, my partly written letter is on the table, the wood glue is in the bathroom and I have burned $10 worth of gas... plus I am tired beyond meaningful conversation because I was busy all day and my brain is fried.

Blessedly, we do not need to depend on the generous hospitality and love of these beautiful people to meet our housing needs. But the greater blessing is the Christ-like willingness, even eagerness on their part to bring us into their homes and share what they have with us. We are deeply touched by that and are praising God for their goodness.

I am so glad we were brought to this place. Yes, that's right, I am praising God for the very situation about which I was so worried just a few days ago. It is in the hard places and the dry places and the places of uncertainty that we grow the most and can be all the more aware of God's loving provision.

Although I would never choose them for myself, I am thankful for the trials.

Walking in Peace

Long ago I told the Lord that I would go anywhere He sent me, that I would do anything He asked of me. There is peace in that, the peace that surpasses understanding. Recently, our fortunes have changed, so that we did not know our future. But then who does?

Regular readers know that I was concerned - no, I was worried! It didn't last long, but it was uncomfortable. You see, I wanted to stay here. I did not want to move from Galt, California where we are part of a church family we love and have a wonderful pastor. Richard likes his job, we love our friends... we wanted to STAY! Also, I was not hearing anything from God about where He wanted us to go or what he wanted us to do. There was no clear leading, and I wanted a plan set in stone. There is still no clear leading, but now it's okay because I'm willing to let God work out the details.

In our house hunting explorations, we have discovered that it is unlikely we will find a livable home we can afford in the entire state of California. So it would seem that God has closed that door and we should research elsewhere. We continue to ask Him to show us His will. We are looking with an open mind and an open heart and hopefully we will hear God's input. This search is fun and exciting because we are now completely yielded. There is so much comfort in that!

In fact, we have researched the moving costs to the farthest place from us and made a tentative schedule so that we are ready to go where ever God sends us. We will be giving some of our furniture to our oldest daughter who has just rented an the apartment and has no furniture in California. Other than that we will sort our belongings and sell or give way what we do not plan to take with us. I am feeling pretty good about all this.

I must say that I feel completely at peace now that I have decided to quit interfering and pressuring God to do things my way. I never doubted that He would provide housing, I just wanted him to provide it where I wanted it! Thank all of you who God used to remind me that He is in control and there is peace and His way.

Now all, I have a prayer request, that we would hear God's word and direction, that He would raise up people to take over our chores in our local church family, and that throughout this process of relocation we will bless others as we see how much we have been blessed.

The Encouragers

It is a glorious and sunny California day. I have been lifted up by the words of people I care for. A note from my beautiful daughter Athena, encouragement from the ladies of the Wednesday night Bible study and this morning the Women of Grace. Inspirational words from my Myspace and other internet friends.

These encouragers blessed me and in doing so won a blessing for themselves as is promised in the Bible. Sometimes I wonder if it is good for me to be so transparent and then when my vulnerability gives others a chance to do good I see that in the grand scheme of things it is still good that I don't hide the cracks, the worn places where things aren't so smooth, the weariness and the weaknesses.

There was a time when I would not have shared my concerns so openly. I would have thought it marred my testimony, but now I realize that unless I am completely real, unless I am completely open and honest, my witness isn't genuine any way.

I am feeling much better today, more like my old optimistic self. So today I thank the Lord for the encouragers who have lifted me up and in doing so have become the hands of God.

Because I know firsthand how faithful the Lord is, I am never down for long, and I never feel "forsaken." To be honest, most of where I was related to the fact that I wanted God to meet our need "my way," even though I know deep down His way is what I really need.

Doctor Two Has Bad News

I went to see my other doctor this afternoon. He gave me some news I didn't like but needed to know. He told me that when the independent doctor who will examine me next month to establish my percentage of disability sends in her report, I will immediately stop receiving my temporary total disability payments. No doubt that is is something I should have known, but never thought of. My income after mid June is, therefore an unknown quantity.

We came to California because I had a good job with a good salary here, but after the injury my income was reduced significantly. Now it will be reduced even more, and under new state guidelines which cap the amount I can receive, it's doubtful we can stay here. We have been looking for cheaper housing for months. Our search has been fruitless, there is no Sheehy housing in California it would seem. Simply put, we cannot afford to live here without to my income.

Evaluating a head injury is very difficult because it's not something anyone can see. Also, since a TBI survivor may function perfectly well in one situation for a short time and not be able to function at all in another situation, it's hard to make a judgment call. For example, I can write this blog by speaking into my iListen, then reading what I have written and editing it several times while taking breaks all along the way. What you read here may have taken me six hours to produce, but it seems to be well put together. On the surface it appears to be a decent product and no one might guess the amount of effort it took or that it came from one with a damaged brain.

The insurance company had two different doctors evaluate my case can to decide which treatments I could receive; one doctor said therapy would be a waste for me because I was totally unemployable and would never be able to hold a job; another doctor said I have written a well put together appeal letter so did not need therapy! Both of these doctors were hired by the insurance company and came to the same conclusion for completely opposite reasons.

So you can see why I have no idea about the outcome of my independent medical examination. This doctor could claim that I am not disabled in any way, or she may decide that I am greatly disabled. What ever she says, what ever number she puts on my case determines my future income. I simply have no clue!

As I drove home from the doctor, worry crept in and it has stayed with me all evening. Jesus said that we should be anxious for nothing but bring everything to Him in prayer. I believe God is who the says He is and I believe He can do what He says He can do. No problems there. But I also know that He has not promised that we shall always have an easy time.

Sometimes trials come to help us grow. Sometimes trouble comes because we invited it. And then there are times when we walk a rocky path so that we will learn to hold tightly to the Master's hand.

Tonight in women's Bible study, Sharp said something I have been thinking about ever cents. She mentions that this could be an exciting time, and that is true. It is always exciting to watch God work, and I must not let worry damn been that. God all ready knows how much I love this place in these people. But I also love does than and the people prayer. And I love the people that car full as well. The truth is by will love people where ever write go, and I will miss the ones buys leave behind.

So I would ask that you pray for us that we might be fully enthusiastic for God's plan, that we might be wise in checking our options, and completely open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. For indeed, we want to be right in the center of God's will.

Doctor Day

I went to see my neurologist this morning. Dr. Sheehy is in his seventy's and sharp as a tack - a brilliant man! Hailing from Mobile, Alabama, he's a true Southern gentleman. As always, he instills absolute trust in me. He is gentle and caring and on top of what is going on with my brain even when I am not. Plus he writes down important things I need to do, like tapering off the experimental medication that has not produced the hoped for improvement in my memory and focus. I try to concentrate on everything we talk about and his directions but always feel like I have lost some of it.

I am always exhausted after a visit to either of my doctors. Concentrating that hard makes me tired... and I don't drive when I am that tired, no one should. So I often take a nap in my car after a doctor's visit. Today I took my nap at a McDonald's not far from Dr. Sheehy's office. I didn't sleep long and when I awoke I was startled by a very grimy man looking in at me through the window. I felt uncomfortable and somehow exposed, which isn't like me. I said a prayer for the man who appeared to be homeless and perhaps mentally ill (he was wearing several layers of heavy clothing, picking at his face and ears and gesturing wildly) and I left.

I thought about my reaction to the man as I drove home. How easily I could also be homeless. Indeed, it is only God's grace which has provided a safe and pleasant home for me. I wondered where this man slept last night and prayed for him again. It had not even occurred to me to speak to him or offer to buy him a meal. That, too, is unlike me.

By the time I got home, I was again wiped out and fell asleep for three hours. When I woke up I went out and sprayed plant killer on the weeds growing up through the cracks in my sidewalk and invading my flower garden. I also sprayed "good" plants growing in the wrong place, and it made me think of the man at McDonald's again. He had no place to "grow," and he looked like a weed, so I had removed myself from his stare as quickly as I could. I was not feeling guilty about that but more or less confused.

I am normally gregarious and will talk to anyone. I also welcome eye contact. Not today. Not from this man. Perhaps I didn't feel able to cope with his odd behavior, or maybe I was a little afraid of him. That's just not like me. Well, it's not like the pre-TBI me, anyway. I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable. Too bad.

Our oldest daughter called and made my day. She is in Monterey and her youngest is coming out in June. June is going to be a very busy month for me. Some good, some unknown stuff happening. I really need to get everything in order so I can be ready for it all. A daughter's wedding, a family reunion, a deposition, a doctor exam to determine my workmen's comp case... and possibly a house hunting trip.

Another nice surprise was an email from a dear friend which contained a link to his blog at http://livingintension.blogspot.com/ I wasn't aware of his blog and am so blessed by it. I highly recommend you read it starting with the archives which date back to March of this year.

We had left overs for dinner and I made up a great new dessert recipe using mescarpone cheese. It's absolutely delicious and I'm really quite proud of it. Sweet and delicate yet very rich and smooth. I put it on puff pastry shells and topped it with sweetened strawberries. I wish I had measured things and written it down.

Well, my thoughts have meandered lazily through my day and woven into every minute was the closeness and caring of my Lord. The King of the universe has been intimately involved and interested in every detail. How awesome is that!?!

Living In The Moment

I live in the moment and I'm pretty good at it. Often I have no clue what has proceeded the moment I'm living in, which can make things quite funny, interesting or sometimes stressful. For example tonight while I was fixing dinner I saw that my left index finger was bleeding all over the counter. I have no idea how I cut it or when. I am easily distracted and sometimes cut myself because I'm not focused and watching what I'm doing.

"I'm concerned about you, Honey," said Richard as he got a Bandaid out for me. The cut wasn't a bad one and stopped bleeding as soon as we got some good pressure on it, but I had cut another finger just a few days ago and he is assuming I do it all the time and that really isn't true. In conversations, I try to keep up with the subject but often have no clue what we talking about even though I am pretty good that faking it or asking for some clarification without seeming to be totally lost. I try not to ask for repetition or explanation too often because it's annoying to people and I don't like seeming dull.

One coping mechanism is to drive the conversation and the subject myself. I know that is not the best way to deal with people but I want to have a social life and I don't want people thinking I am stupid. Now and then, though, I lose track of the subject even when I am the one who opened it. Sadly, if they really knew how clueless I often am people would think exactly what I seek to avoid... that I am dumb as a rock!! Because I lose track of what happened a few moments before, I would seem dense even though I really do have a pretty sharp mind.

So what has brought all of this to the forefront? I have been praying and thinking about a request that I at assume a particular role at church. I knew immediately when Deacon Jim mentioned it that I was not to qualified. But then I am not qualified to to the things I am now doing at church. I spend many hours in preparation for each class side teach yet to many times show up with no idea what we are studying. Without the boat ride in front of me by would be lost. One of the things that makes it sort of work is the fact I have been seriously studying the Bible for over 50 years. Scripture is one of my passions. Yet I have no qualms that each meeting I am sustained by the Lord for I would be an absolute disaster without his help. He helps me out; he jars my memory; he gives me what needs to be said; and sometimes he needs to shut me up. It is by His might not my own that I do anything.

Deacon Jim has proposed a much more challenging situation and although flattered, after prayer, careful thought and consulting with counselors including Richard, I am going to have to say no. My plate is so full now that I never get finished and although I love to be busy and I love to have a challenge this is not something I could keep track of and do well. God's people need the best; in my case they wouldn't have it.

But I was extremely flattered to have been considered for such a position and someday if God is willing and my brain has come back far enough maybe I will be able to take on something like that again, but for now I am thankful for the services I have been blessed to give.Richard is the chairman of the Property, Grounds Committee. Last week he asked if I would e-mail the group to announce some things, including a Saturday morning meeting. He thought it was taken care of but it did not get sent. I lost all memory of his request. So today I showed him how to run the e-mail, we created a mailing list for the group and I showed him how to use it.

Now our mystery visitor has been back. This time he or she is focusing on my car. Richard clearly remembers that the doors to my car were closed at few hours before, but when I went out the drivers front door was wide open... very interesting! Nothing has been stolen although some papers have been gone through, I have some files in Bankers boxes in the garage. Someone has looked through them but not vandalized anything (except knocking down the door). So clearly a robbery is not a motive here, nor do I think any physical fowl play is planned. As I said before I truly suspect it is an investigator hired by the insurance company to get any dirt he can find, or simply say, "You look okay to us."

I am feeling more comfortable now with the thought of being listened to or followed but no less disturbed about being spied on the in my home. Am I over reacting? Perhaps there's no real person there and we are seeing things I have done and forgotten. Who knows and to an extent who cares? If indeed someone is listening as I speak they're hearing what I write (I use iListen) but people can read that freely on the Internet. They're also hearing me pray because most of my prayer is aloud; they are also hearing the talks about God to people on the phone because I talk about God whenever I talk almost... so maybe these are just people that God knows to need to hear about Him. People God knows need to hear the Gospel... and if that is true I say Hallelujah, lets keep on with it.

A Beautiful Goodbye

A beautiful Sunday... my favorite day of the week. As I've said many times, I love going to my church. Today, we had a special program, a group of singing senior citizens. I wish I could remember who they were, but for now I am blank. Curt, their director passed away yesterday, I think, which made the performance all the more meaningful.

One thought ran through my mind the whole time the group performed. I was reliving the indescribable mixture of emotions I felt as I read a letter his wife had written to tell friends of Curt's death. The letter touched me in ways I cannot define with words. I share it here because it was forwarded publicly and bears such a beautiful witness... Well, you just have to experience it for yourself:

Dear Friends and Family,
Curt went home to be with the Lord at about 12:30 AM this morning (Saturday). The Lord had allowed him to come to the point where we were praying every hour, "Why not now, Lord?" He was not in any pain, but had been in a coma for about two days.

He has donated his body to Loma Linda University Bodies for Science program. We will have a memorial service soon and I will let you know the date and time when they are determined.

You have been so faithful to stand by us with your prayer support and encouragement. We treasure each email and contact from you.

For some, this will be a repeat, but I wanted to share a precious moment we had last Sunday night. I was by his side and he asked me if he was dying. I told him yes and then we began talking about heaven and who he would see. I reminded him that he would see his dad and my mother and that the first thing she would say to him would be, "Thank you for taking such good care of my baby girl."

Then he gave me the most beautiful gift any husband could give. I asked him what would be the first thing he would say to Jesus. And he said, "Thank you for sending me the wonderful woman that you did." What a treasure for me to store in my heart for the rest of my life.

This morning I woke up with this song in my heart: "Well, it's a great morning, that first day up in heaven when you're walking down that golden avenue...." Blessed assurance!

I am entering unknown territory now, but I have an experienced Guide and He has provided many supporters for the journey. You are among them and I praise God for you.

Love,
Vi

Intrigue

We found a cigarette butt in our garage several days back, but neither of us smoke and we've had no smoking friends over. Then yesterday the back door of the garage was pushed out of the door frame. There was a large piece of wood on the garage floor in front of the opening.

This door was not on hinges but rather wedged into that door frame. Not wanting to damage the original door to provide pet access, we had purchased a new door and cut a frame out for the doggie door. Now the whole affair was laying outside on the ground.

Another incident, which would not be strange of itself, is that the knob to the door between the house and the garage has suddenly broken. You could turn it but nothing happened. So Richard took out the inner parts and now you just pull it open or closed.

Taken my themselves, these various things wouldn't mean a whole lot, but in combination they present somewhat of a mystery. I have my own ideas about the source of these incidents. I think someone has been in our garage and perhaps even our house. Our doggie door is quite large enough to accommodate a full grown man and we usually do not locked the door between the house and garage. Or I should say, we did not lock the door, we do now!

I think someone has been watching me in relation to my workmen's comp claim. I have personally known people who have been followed, videotaped, and even had their house invaded by surveillance people.

I do not feel threatened, but I do feel violated. If someone wants to follow me or videotape me outside my home, that's fine and that's legal. However, it's a whole other thing when it's inside the privacy of my home. It's not that I do anything different or that I would be ashamed of, it's just that I should expect privacy inside my home just like everyone else. I think that privacy has been violated.

I will be very glad when all this insurance business is over with. I have the deposition on June 1, and now I have they have set an appointment for me to see an independent doctor to put a number on the amount of my disability. Good!

Richard is working today. I am also working trying to finish my yesterday's list. Most of it has been forwarded to today. So now I have my blog out early and I need to finish Handmaidens for May... it is very late coming out this month.

Overloaded

I tolerated my trip to Las Vegas better this time than any other since my injury. I learned a good strategy and wore my sunglasses inside and out. I lost my hearing aids. I had lost them before and found them again... Then put them where they would be safe but now I can't remember where that safe place is. The good side of that is I couldn't hear much in Las Vegas except just a dull roar.

Even so, the fatigue factor is still in place. I can't seem to get rested up. I have not finished the May Handmaidens although it is readable and there are some complete pages. And of course I have missed several days of my journal. The house needs cleaned, the laundry needs washed, and all I want to do is sleep!

Today, I discovered a major mistake I made before leaving for the wedding. In figuring our money I forgot to take into account automatic deductions for insurance and other payments so have over drafts on one of our accounts. Although it is into as big a disaster as January when I forgot to pay any bills, this latest mistake is wreaking some financial havoc. It is never a good thing for me to hurry!

It is early for my blog, (Iactually wrote this before 6:00 p.m.) but I am out of energy for the day and if I wait, it won't get done at all. Now that I am sitting here talking to my iListen and letting it type my blog, I am feeling better.

Yesterday, I got nothing done but had a good time doing it. Actually, I did go to Women of Grace in the morning at Melonee's. She was the hostess for May and opened her beautiful home to us all. I also had an appointment with Dr. McCormick to meet with the brain injury ladies group. I would never have guessed how much help that is to me. I learn from them and am inspired by them.

Oh yes, I have to be "deposed" on June 1. I am concerned they will ask things I can't remember, or even if I know the answer, I am afraid I might not think of it right away. It doesn't take much to mix me up and when I am nervous I say the wrong words or can't think of the names of things, etc.

Well, it's good to "speak" with you again.

Checking In

We made it back from Las Vegas late (after midnight) Monday night. The wedding was lovely and the bride's sister became engaged shortly after, so we had a great family time.

I left again early this morning to take Donna to Stanford. We will return home tomorrow, but meanwhile I will try to get Handmaidens done.... that means, "That's All, Folks!"