Acceptance

There are a number of things about my living of life that I don't like. I am displeased that I am so spotty in getting my blogs done (something I truly enjoy doing, too). The same is true for many other things I want to get into my days daily... Bible time, more prayer, exercise, contacting friends and family, cooking (really cooking!)... well, I could go on, but why bother.

I can remain unsatisfied that all my determination seems to be swept away by fatigue or the inordinately swift passage of time, or I can assume a stance of acceptance and get done what I get done and let the Lord work the rest as He will anyway.

Now on to a synopsis of my California trip. It was a fast two-day mission. I flew out of Orlando EARLY Tuesday morning and Donna met me at the Sacramento airport. We checked into our room which had been bundled with the round trip airfare for a cheap $316! Then it was over to the lawyer's office, and later to Dr. Sheehy's office.

Donna took notes of the answers as I read my list of questions at both offices. Then when I was with Dr. McCormick on Wednesday, Donna rewrote and organized all the medical and legal info I had been told. I've reread it several times and think I know the main ideas.

I will be trying to find specialists here in Florida who will accept CA Workmen's Comp rules and paperwork and payment limits... It may not be easy! Meanwhile, I made appointments for October in California, just in case.

I will miss my doctors. They have brought me from foggy darkness and lots of confusion to a place of understanding, better functioning, useful strategies, and albeit reluctant, acceptance... of my limitations and my altered life... and perhaps of myself.

Cook Cooks

Although I feel a bit better tonight, I have been sick since Sunday and done nothing except sleep and read. I just finished Robin Cook's novel "Contagion." I like his work. Being a doctor himself, Cook's books offer the medical mystery buff plausible plots and details, something I like.

I often get lost in the story line and on the page, but am enjoying reading more all the time. It has been one of the things I've missed most since my brain injury... reading a good book and turning that pleasure into mental exercise. Figuring out the mystery, recognizing the foreshadowing, etc. I miss that. But even with my limited capacity to remember what has happened in the story, I am reading more and hoping to improve.

I had a scary phone call Friday. Elizabeth from Dr. Sheehy's office called to say he was retiring soon and would only be seeing patients on Saturdays, so my appointment next Tuesday was off. I told her I had already bought my non-refundable plane ticket, so she said she'd see what she could do. I asked the Lord to work it out for me. After a few hours, Elizabeth called again and set me up for a late afternoon appointment on the same day, so the Lord worked it all out.

Still, I will need to find another neurologist who knows brain injury as well as Dr. Sheehy and who will be patient with me. I am praying about that, We had already realized that we cannot afford for me to keep flying to across the entire country to see my doctors, but I am loathe to lose Dr. Sheehy and Dr. McCormick... I trust them. They know me and tolerate the times I forget things and mess things up. Also, they have helped me a great deal. I am grateful God placed me in their care and am praying to find equally wonderful and gifted doctors here... who will also put up with workmen's comp rules and payments, etc.

Who knows how I got off on this tangent but even though I'm feeling somewhat better, I'm still dizzy and will quit now. Tomorrow will be a better day.

The Flesh is Weak

It was good to be in the House of the Lord yesterday. We attended a startup church meeting in a local high school classroom. The service was a blessing, the sermon well prepared and delivered with the passion and polish of a seasoned pastor comfortable in his calling as a church planter. He was wise enough to delegate other duties to those who have come alongside him in this effort even though they were less experienced and able than he at this stage. They will grow. It was their third Sunday.

Although blessed and spiritually fed by the service, as we were leaving, I let my focus be drawn to the school building. It was horrid. Rough cement floors like those of a garage, dirty and with no sealant; classrooms that looked like prison cells. Indeed, I have visited several prisoners who have far better accommodations than the students at this school! So, instead of lingering on the very good points of the sermon, I was off on a tirade about the condition of this school. The flesh is weak. My timing was not good.

I had not felt well before leaving for church and when we got home, I spent most of the afternoon asleep on the couch. I am still ill and not yet unpacked... how those two facts relate, I am unsure, but both make me irritated, The flesh is weak. I pray I'll feel better tomorrow.

Early Morning

I'm usually not up at this hour, but for some unknown reason I am awake and it's been so long since I posted that I decided to jot a few words.

I was offline for a while moving my "office" from the breakfast bar to a bedroom and messing up my connectivity in the process. Then I just got busy... and overwhelmed with the busyness which leads to unproductive efforts in all directions.

I'm still not unpacked and with each new box we bring over from storage, the chaos increases. It was like this when we moved to Galt. I am trying to use the strategies I learned from my therapists there, and Richard is becoming better at "leading" me towards order when my brain is drowning in all the clutter... but it's a slow process. The main problem is I can't seem to make decisions and sort things. What to keep and where to put it.... oh, the confusion of it all! I say this somewhat tongue in cheek, but there's more truth in it than I like to realize.

I've been in prayer about my internet and other "duties" and have been seeking the Lord's leading on where best to spend my time and energies. It has become increasingly evident I cannot keep up with everything and in trying have let all of it slip behind. Better to do one or two things well that many things half done... so I will be dropping all but my blogs and two web sites. The other sites will be closed or available for sale as appropriate.

Meanwhile, I've had a birthday and have now been on the planet 67 years. I'm thankful for that. My birthday was wonderful. Several of my children and many friends called. My brother came over for a few hours. Richard took me out to breakfast and also got me a beautiful and BIG double bookcase (lots of our overstock is in books) and Athena took us out to dinner at Barneys. It was a happy foursome with the two of us, Athena and Brian.

After a luscious meal, we all went to Athena's for a chocolate cherry cake. She knows I love chocolate covered cherries so made a cake of deep, dark chocolate and cherries. It was moist and rich and had an amazing flavor... plus there was cherry sorbet. Just as she had done on Richard's birthday, Athena succeeded in making the day extra special. That added attention to detail in showing her love blessed me more than I can say.

We were all about to play a game when I discovered my phone was gone. Sure enough, when Athena called my number, someone at the steakhouse answered, so we cut the night short and left to get my phone. Even so, it was a beautiful evening!

Needing Sleep

I couldn't get to sleep last night. I was still awake when the sun came up. I went to bed three times only to get back up after laying awake a while. I used the time to pray and listen for the Lord. I was physically and mentally spent and couldn't concentrate well enough to read my Bible, but I enjoyed the time just being in the Lord's presence.

Although tired today, I was able to complete the closet organization project I've been picking at for a week. Also, we got the needed faucets for the kitchen and both bathroom sinks. The bathroom faucets were needed, but the kitchen one is a pure luxury. The faucet itself is also a sprayer. I had that kind in the house at Galt and fell in love with it.

We also took a bunch of dishes and our dining set to the Good Samaritan Thrift Shop. We gave the furniture away because it was just too big for the space and created a barrier in front of the desperately needed storage built into the dining room wall. We'll be on the lookout for a smaller table and chairs and will eat at the little built in lunch counter until we find what we want.

We went to Bingo tonight in the community club house. It was fun and we're getting to know a few more people. I was extremely tired by the time we left and am definitely ready for bed now. I pray I'll be able to sleep. I was finally able to get my meds today and that should help. It has taken ten days to accomplish this. I hope this is the last time I'll have that much trouble with it.

Domesticity

Domestic, another word for tame; the opposite of wild and uncontrolled, etc.

I have always been an independent sort. I fear little (because God is my keeper) and like to come and go and do as I please, and that, at times, hurts others without me realizing it. I've been reminded by the Lord many times that I need to be more sensitive of others, and over time, He has been reworking me.

For example, this morning I was talking with a friend who expressed fear of driving to New England. Before the words were out I caught myself. I was about to say that there was nothing to fear; that I and driven all over that area alone many times... had indeed driven all over the country in an 18-wheeler as well as a 4-wheeler...

But the Holy Spirit whispered a caution and I did not say it. Instead, I wished her a good flight and a wonderful visit with her family. To say all that had entered my mind would only feed my ego and do my friend no real good at all. Unless I was able and willing to offer a solution, there was no point making her feel like I didn't understand. I would just be wagging my tongue without purpose.

And so the taming of the tongue goes on...

I am now enjoying a domesticity of another sort... cooking a real meal for the first time in a month. God is GOOD!

Sandy Sunday

We attended a new church this morning. A startup church meeting early Sunday in the building of a more established church, they were doing a lot of things "right" and some that didn't really work. As we entered, there were friendly greeters who made us each a name tag as they welcomed us to the service. They had a full service table where coffee and goodies were available.

I noticed some people had brought their refreshments into the sanctuary and I was somehow disturbed by that. I have no problem with casual dress (to a point) but I think that when we treat the Lord's house like a movie house, we begin to lose sight of and respect for the sanctity of the place and the service.

The music was contemporary... so much so that I had never heard any of it before. The pastor led the "worship," as we tend to call the musical portion of church services, and although the music was lively, the "audience" was just that, a group of onlookers, not participating much, just observing. Maybe four people were singing along. Words were on the screen and the music was good (although not especially to my liking) so I'm unsure about the lack of enthusiasm.

The sermon was well presented, the last of a series on married life. Most people there were 20's and 30's... the congregation was small, maybe 40-50, max. They were a hard crowd to play to, not laughing at the pastor's puns, etc. In general the group was subdued.

We chose that church because of a great ad they put in a local paper but will probably not go back because there was no life in the congregation. After the service (when the coffee and goodies might be more appropriate) not one person spoke to us except those I deliberately went up to. A thought maybe they might all be new, too, LOL.

We came home and decided to take a day trip to the beach. We explored some of the Atlantic coast of central Florida... found a secluded beach with public facilities but not much public attendance. We walked in the surf. The Atlantic was cool and there was a nice breeze. We sat on the beach and watched little birds find food and fight over territory. We walked some more relishing the time together and the wonders of the sea.

Finally, we were getting happily tired and headed home, taking an alternate route. We stopped at a mom and pop ice cream shop where I got the biggest ice cream cone I have ever seen. I had no idea when I ordered the waffle cone it would be so huge! Driving on, we missed a turn and had a longer, more interesting ride home.

I am thankful for a sweet Sunday spent with my Honey and my Jesus. I am praying for the little startup church and also for my Master's leading in finding a home church with which worship and serve. I covet your prayers in that regard as well.

Too Much

Richard is home!!! I slept better last night than I had in weeks. Our day together was wonderful but I overdid it. We ended up taking two trips to Wal-Mart and I normally have trouble tolerating one!

I needed to pick up my meds but they had forgotten to get authorization from the workmen's comp carrier who for some unknown reason requires each refill to be authorized. The pharmacy calls and gets an answering machine and must await telephone approval before dispensing the medications. Each time it is a hassle and I almost always run out of meds before approval finally comes. I must admit, it makes me very upset.

Today, it was the pharmacy's fault. Last month they also forgot to call for approval and it was ten days before I got the pills. This month, I was very careful to remind them to call the insurance carrier, but it made no difference. God was good and I remained cordial, but inside I was irritated.

I don't do well in crowded, noisy and busy environments and by the time the pharmacist finally told me I couldn't get my meds, I had been there 45 minutes, way beyond my break point. I was a cognitive mess by the time we left.

After doing other things (cleaning out our shed, taking a load of stuff to Goodwill, etc.) we got Tacos and ate them at our cute dining table. Then it was off to a different Wal-Mart (there are three in our area) where we bought much needed groceries. My brain was completely fried by the time we made it to the check stand. I won't do a double dose of big box stores again.

So, we will spend the evening deciding on a church for tomorrow...

Old Friends

One of my granddaughters wrote in her Myspace blog that she wants to move back to where she moved from. She misses her old friends. I can sure relate to that. Growing up, I went to 52 schools. I barely made friends before we moved and I missed them.

When relationships develop each person learns about the other and a mutual ACCEPTANCE is fostered. That's comfortable. It's secure. We have freedom to make mistakes because we trust our friends to still love us... even if the flub up was a big one. We don't fear looking stupid with our friends... we know they will just think its funny and laugh with us, then lovingly set us straight. Too bad family members don't treat each other like old friends. There is much in my past I would change....

I know how Chani feels. I miss my old friends. I am slowly making new ones, but there are people in my past I will always yearn to be with. The bonds we've built may fade but are not weakened by time and distance.

I will reunite with my best earthly friend later today. I was so excited I couldn't sleep last night. I have longed to wrap my arms around that tall man and lay my head on his little paunch. Yes, he's got a tummy and when we stand together it's just the right height to lean my head on, We've been married over 30 years now but I still get a thrill each time I hear his voice on the phone or see him come through the door. Like me, he has done some pretty stupid things. We could be on the Vonage commercial. Wouldn't even need to act. LOL But we accept and love one another anyway.

I cannot end a discussion of friends without mentioning my very best friend, JESUS. He's so very well known, but like others with wide spread fame, He is not well understood. I meet so many people who have some truly false ideas about who and what Jesus is. Let me just say this, the best way to meet Him is in His Word and through prayer. He is fully God and fully man... He is my Savior, but He is also my best, my very best Friend.

Don't you need a Friend in high places, too?

Homecoming

I don't like living alone.

I like to cook, but cooking for one is hardly worth the bother so I've been eating frozen or canned meals for the past month. The Lord and I have just been discussing my lousy eating habits. I either forget to eat or I binge... neither is good. As with a lot of folks my eating patters are more a function of psychology than physiology. I don't overeat because of hunger. I eat out of boredom, or stress, or simply because I love the taste of many foods... eating has become a hobby for me! And it's far worse when I am alone.

I didn't realize how much a therapist Richard is for me. Since he's been gone, I've struggled noteably. My motivation level sags when I'm by myself and I wander from task to task leaving most half done at best. I sleep too much in the day and not enough at night. Okay, so I never slept enough at night... but I didn't waste the day with long naps, not usually at least.

I was not meant to be alone. Praise God my Honey called today to say that he will be meeting my brother tomorrow in Atlanta and they will arrive here tomorrow night. Hooray!

There's much to be done before they arrive and I'm making a list now. But I pause and thank God for the life of my dear husband, a man so perfectly fitted to be my lifelong mate. He has little habits that drive me up the proverbial wall, but then when he's away, those are the things I miss about him, too. I can't wait until he's walking through that door!

I'm also excited as I anticipate the moment when my bridegroom, Jesus calls me to be "Raptured" (caught up) to meet Him in the air. The Church (all believers) will be with Him in the "Second Coming" because believers will have been "Raptured" before that "great and terrible day of the Lord."

I only grieve that there are so many loved ones not ready for that time. Notice, I didn't say "not good enough," for none of us are, but many do not have a personal, saving relationship with Jesus who is the only way to be saved. Why are people offended by that? It's a free gift, for heaven's sake! Would they refuse a million dollar gift because the donor prescribed the method of obtaining it?

You must first realize that God has every right to define the parameters by which His creation should achieve salvation... so He achieves it for us! He does all the work!!! Pays the full price!!! He is holy and just and cannot in righteousness close His eyes to sin. Justice must be served, so Jesus pays the penalty for our sin.

How can that be so hard to accept?

Will you be at that Heavenly Homecoming?

Psalms

I spent much of the day reading Psalms and talking with the Lord. It was a good day. Last night, I had a really intense and debilitating headache, and when that happens, I am often unproductive the next day.

Oh, please don't misunderstand, I am not saying my day was wasted. I went to swim aerobics for an hour, but that was really the last physical thing I did. I was drowsy much of the day and am sleepy now.

The time I spent in prayer and pondering the Psalms was wonderful and treasured. I need to spend more time with the Master and I need to schedule it early in the day because who knows what the hours will bring as the day ticks away. Each minute is a gift.

Consider spending some of those precious minutes with my dear friend Jerri. Her blog will inspire and uplift you.