Healing

It's almost tax time. Actually, many have already filed their income tax returns. I thought about needing to do that pretty soon. That's better than last year or the year before when I really didn't think about it seriously until the 14th or so.

It's payday. Richard's retirement check comes at the end of the month, and that's when we pay the bills. What a blessing now that there aren't many to pay! I have been praying for financial healing ever since I got hurt back in 2004.

Although we had some debt (car payment, house payment, etc.) we were in decent fiscal shape until we sold out and moved to California. We were willing to make a new start in spite of the higher real estate prices because of my new position and anticipated advancement up the management ladder with Wal-Mart. Of course all that changed the day of my injury.

All at once we found ourselves with a reduced and uncertain income and without a home of our own in a market of drastically inflating prices. Homes similar to the one we sold in Dothan, Alabama for $90,000 were selling in California for over $500,000, and the prices were still on the rise!

After two years we decided to move here to Florida and the Lord blessed us with a home we could afford. It is modest, true, but we are thankful for it and happy to be here. God heard and answered our prayers for fiscal healing. Great is His faithfulness!

VA Revisited

Once again, my brother and I spent the day with the VA medicos, this time at Orlando rather than Tampa where we were on our last two outings. Next week, we'll be at the Kissimmee VA facility. Variety.

Going to a VA hospital or clinic always seems to take us all day, even when we have an appointment. It makes me tired. Nonetheless, I am thankful the care is available even if the delivery system is inconceivably flawed.

A growing percentage of our population can't afford health care and haven't got the option of free medical care. Without insurance, they tend to avoid visiting the doctor until something serious comes along.

God has allowed us to be tested in that arena. Years ago, two of our sons were in a ranch vehicle accident the day after Richard's health insurance expired. He had resigned a teaching position so we could teach in the same school. The accident occurred the day of our interview at the new school, so we had no coverage. One son was paralyzed and the medical bills soared above $100,000 in no time at all.

I remember well the feelings of frustration and helplessness. I sometimes felt as if God was far from me. Blessedly, He made His presence known in wondrous ways and even though we struggled to care for a large family and learn to meet the needs of a paraplegic teen, God saw us through.

It took years, but every medical bill was eventually paid off. Our kids went without many things we wanted them to have, but we had all the basics and our other medical needs were all met once we were employed. We were actually only without health insurance for about three weeks.

So my heart goes out to those who cannot afford insurance, meds and health care. I am doubly thankful qualified veterans can receive medical treatment at no cost. If you're a vet who doesn't know about these and other benefits, contact the VA and check it out.

Donnie is feeling better, praise God. He made a pot of his famous beans and I broke my diet over them. Donnie's beans are legendary. No one makes beans and ham like my brother. No one!

In the next day or so, I am going to try to fill in the holes in my journal by referring back to my planner and at least entering what went on in my life during those eventful missing logs. So, if interested, you may want to backtrack to about Feb. 21 since I'll be postdating.

Ethics Anyone?

I recently read an article about Wal-Mart's careful investigation and universal enforcement of its rules of conduct. Some were calling it heavy handed and invasive that a company should have something to say about the ethics and moral behaviour of its management and staff, however I believe that is one of many reasons the company is so great.

Okay, not everyone is a big-box store fan. Some, mostly union types, like to malign Wal-Mart and other efficient operations because of the low pay... Hello? Entry level positions do not pay well ANYWHERE! At least at Wal-Mart, if you are capable, willing to work and apply, you can move from cashier to manager and beyond.

But I wander from the original thought... Morality and ethics.

Wal-Mart investigated, then fired two top execs for having an affair on company time and accepting bribes from advertisers while doing it.... and the flak fell.... and the lawsuits were filed (by the canned execs, of course!) but the company has a top security team who did their job well and all the needed evidence was at hand.

Ethical standards are meaningless unless enforced across the board. We have all seen the chaos and loss brought on when position grants absolution. Think Enron and others... Clearly, sound management of the corporation or the family calls for consistent enforcement of ethical and moral policies. I say hooray for Wal-Mart!

Return to CA

I will be traveling to California in April to be evaluated by two doctors agreed upon by my lawyer and the Workman's comp carrier. This exam will help determine my degree of disability and hopefully avoid all sorts of legal squabbles between the two sides.

I had a telephone appointment today so one doctor could, via his nurse, get a medical history even though they already have my medical records. The phone interview was long and I couldn't remember a lot of what they asked, but the nurse was friendly and very kind.

I'll be glad when all this legal stuff is overwith. Then I can go to any doctor I like and not worry about having my pills turned down or remembering to keep track of my expenses, which I have not done at all yet this year. Plus I don't know how often I need to go to the doctor since I have been declared "Permanent and Stationary."

There are just too many details and I will be glad when it's over.

Then I will try to figure out what I can do, probably nothing anyone will pay for, but that's OK. God and Richard have been quit good to me all along.

I have pretty much left everything to the Lord who led me to a good Workmen's
comp lawyer and I have let him do the deal I have seen him twice.Will keep you posted. Am hopping God sends someone with me... my airport experiences may be interesing reading but are not recomended experiences.

Well, this blog is over I was asleep o n the keyboard.

Lost Blog

I just spent over an hour writing a blog that has disappeared accompanied by the little piano key two tone death knoll Blogger gives you as it sends your work to oblivion. BOO! It's probably caused by some spasmodic motion on my part as my fingers lurch and twitch over the keyboard seeking letters for words and thoughts I am forgetting faster than I can record them. Trouble is, I have no hint of what the fatal key strokes are... like that would make any difference, haha.

Although I was mildly satisfied with what I'd written, it was no great piece of prose, hence not a tragic loss. Mostly, I had expressed gladness at being back in church and discussed my thoughts on the diet and exercise plans I've committed to.

What I am noticing, unlike my previous dieting efforts - all short lived and disappointing -- with NutriSystem, I am not hungry! I often don't even want all the food I am supposed to eat. I'm not sure how they interlace proteins, carbs and fats so that blood sugar levels stay under control and big insulin spikes are avoided. I'm sure the regular exercise is helping big time, too.

I am one who loves and craves sweets and this plan gives me a nice dessert every day. God is answering my prayers about losing weight and keeping it of... minute by minute. My reliance on Him and my renewal IN HIM IS MOMENT BY MOMENT IN ALL THINGS.

Richard and I enjoyed an hour long walk this evening. It was good, invigorating, romantic and something we'll be doing a lot more often. For once, I actually think I can lose the weight, enjoy exercising and become am better looking, healthier and happier me.

I'll still have my version of the infamous Snider-Cooper jowls, but I've had them since birth and like Loretta Switt on one M.A.S.H. episode, will simply consider them an alluring, though offbeat feature of my own unique brand of beauty, designed by my loving Heavenly Father just for me.

I'll bet the Lord had a lot of fun creating all the different faces and figures of His children. I'll bet he laughed a lot, and maybe cried a little, at our silly phobias and rejections of our own features.

VA Hospital Closeup

VA hospitals have been in the news of late, and today my brother and I got to experience first hand both the level of care and the amount of red tape. Here's how it happened.

I popped up and get dressed to go to the gym but upon seeing my brother (who is here recuperating from heart surgery) I changed my plans. Donnie looked terrible. At first glace, I thought he might have had a stroke. He told me that during the night, he had gone outdoors and stumbled on the dog food dish, falling hard on and over a heavy metal bench. The impact had been hard enough to shove the bench several inches on the concrete. A significant blow, and my brother was in some real distress.

So, I gathered his pills and medical record and we headed to the VA hospital in Tampa. Getting to the hospital was a breeze, but finding a convenient way to get Don into the ER was a puzzle. No direct entrance from outside. Not a good thing, but in defense of the VA, they are in the midst of an extensive remodel.

There was a long wait for "pre-triage," and a longer wait to get into the care area where he was gowned and wired for cardiac monitoring, O2 levels and blood pressure. Finally a pretty lady doctor came by and was amazed no one had ordered xrays. I was sent to the waiting room while my brother was wheeled away to xray. More time passes... very slowly..........

Back in his ER bed, Don dozes after his pain meds are finally given. We have been there six hours. I have spent much of them praying for my brother, two men with bad veins who are good naturedly albeit painfully repoked several times for blood samples. I pray also for a man with a bad spider bite and another with chest pains. And on we wait.

There is little privacy here which breeds a sense of camaraderie among these men and women who gave part of themselves and their lives to serve our country in the military. They talk among one another about their ailments, previous ER visits, where and when they did military service.

The medical staff seems to be civilian but well suited to serve these vets. The personal commitment and professional performance of the staff is commendable, but the system is flawed and understaffed. One nurse comments that the new ER will be nice but will not alleviate the problem of the flawed system and the continuing understaffing of the ER and the hospital in general. I've only been their nine hours by that time yet am sure she is unfortunately right.

Finally, the pretty doctor returns. Looks like a fractured rib, but there was a problem in the xray. Either way, she treats the same. Pain meds, lots of rest, etc. We are, at last free to go... almost. We must have paperwork first. That takes 50 minutes. Then we must wait another 20 minutes for the meds.

The VA health care system is slow, overweighted and plodding under the massive burden of too much "old school" and red tape... but it is a system vets can use and we are thankful for the care receives. We also have hope that with prayer and national conscience, the sysrem will improve.

Having been gone over thirteen hours, we finally arrive home and notice once again that indeed, there truly is no place like home. Thank You, Lord for medical care (even when it's slow) and thank You for home.

Sore

I was back in the gym for almost two hours again today. Still on my diet. Not hungry, but have sore muscles. I'm happy about that.

Having a headache right now; not happy about that.

Taking Control

As I wrote earlier, I have decided to get serious about improving my self-care. I joined a gym but after only two days was called away by family needs. Now, I'm home again and back at the gym. But I need to also gain control of my ever increasing weight. I planned for that, too...

My foods from NutriSystem arrived today. I weigh in at 180 pounds and and aiming at 130. Day one has been easy and I haven't even eaten all I am supposed to yet at this late hour. I am not a bit hungry, but it may be that I am just very, very tired.

Our youngest is in town for an Army conference and we have enjoyed sharing time with her and more time with Athena and Brian as well. My brother is staying with us as he recuperates from his heart surgery. Like many men, his work has taken much of his life and he has no real hobbies so it's hard for him to sit around just getting better.

My house needs a good cleaning, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. For now, my attention is turned toward the bed.

The Viewing

We went to "The Viewing" this afternoon. Alena's body was beautifully displayed, but death is death, and it was painful to see her thus. Her mother and the rest of the family here were doing their best to deal with the grief, each in their own way, just as we were.

I have done this too many times and it never gets easier.

Julia was comforting others and blessed us all. We stayed for over an hour then returned to our motel. I was spent... I think we all were.

Tomorrow is the funeral and we will be heading down to Birmingham afterward to pick up our neice Pam and take her back to my brother's apartment where they will stay until the 15th. We will go on home. I won't have internet access until we get there.

For now, I am drained and dried out.

Monroe, MI

We made it to Monroe, MI. Physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion have set in. My body is as numb as my mind. Grief lies heavily on me, like a blanket of spun lead, cold and damp. Even so, I feel the warmth of God's caress, the peace of His grace, the assurance of His sovereignty... and I know He is in control and all His ways are prefect and His plans born of love.

Tomorrow afternoon is the viewing. What a strange custom. I dread seeing the body, once the home of the vibrant soul of our granddaughter, now a cold and lifeless shell. Nonetheless, we will go, if not for ourselves, at least of the other family members.

The funeral is Friday. I pray God enables me to be a comfort to others.

"It is well with my soul."

Much has happened since my last post. I got a late night call that my brother Donnie, who was working on building an Olive Garden restaurant in Anniston, AL, was to have open heart surgery the next day. I hurriedly got ready and left in the wee hours of Feb. 22. I drove hard, taking a short nap on the side of the road (near a toll booth) but the surgery had started by the time I got to the hospital.

Long hours in the surgery waiting room. George, Donnie's job superintendent, took me to lunch and later, dinner, but the operation dragged on. It was nightfall when at last I was summoned to the cardiac ICU to wait some more.

Finally, the doctor talked with me. Donnie had a strong heart and everything looked good. With cardiac circulation restored by the bypass, my brother had a "new lease on life," IF he would quit smoking, drinking and eating his killer diet. For the moment, he was fine and I should go home and get some rest.

Having had almost no sleep for two days, I did just that!

The next day, the bottom fell out and Donnie's blood pressure plummeted. For several hours, the monitor alarms went on then off then back on. I continued to pray. Recovery after that was up and down, so he was held another two days in ICU. I stayed night and day in the ICU waiting room until he was transferred to a floor, at which time I went back to his little apartment both nights and slept for at least 10 hours each.

On his first day home, Donnie walked to his company van and began digging around in it. I was concerned because he wasn't well enough to be doing all that. Later that night he came to my bedside and showed me his blood soaked tee shirt. I dialed 911 and we spent most of the night in the ER. I was exhausted when we got home and strode deep into the Land of Nod.

In the morning, my brother was not in his bed. Not in his chair. Not in the house. Not anywhere outside. I drove around thinking he may have tried to take a walk. No Donnie! Fear was making it hard to pray coherently, but God didn't need the words to make sense, He heard my heart. A taxi pulled up and out popped Donnie. He had gone to the job site! ... And to buy cigarettes.

His recovery is no less miraculous than his surgery which the doctor says saved him from a certain fatal heart attack (his coronary arteries were 80% occluded). The home health nurse drove up and found him standing outside smoking and with a look of sheer amazement said, "Is THAT the patient?!"

Sunday morning, George, who had been so kind to me earlier, came to the apartment needing help. He was dizzy and had chest pains. No ambulance. Instead, he wanted me to drive him to the ER. Ultimately he was admitted and is still in the hospital.

This morning I learned that my granddaughter Alena died last night. A pharmacology student and on the dean's list, she had worked in nursing homes from her teens. Such a caring, loving and bright young woman. Now gone from here.

She had fallen on the ice a few days ago and hurt her back. Last night she was uncomfortable so took her pain meds and muscle relaxers and went early to bed. A few hours later, she was discovered. She had vomited and probably aspirated some of it. An autopsy was performed today but the results aren't yet available. Nothing on that paper will change the fact she is gone.

My heart is heavy and it seems impossible that Alena could be dead. My first thought was the news felt like being kicked in the stomach. Then came the lead weight, crushing even the initial pain. A deadness. A dirth of emotion. I have walked through much of my day like some B-movie zombie.

But every now and then, and without warning, the tears blur my vision. Hot, burning my throat as well as my eyes. Then they are gone and only grit remains, irritating my dried out eyes.

Yet I am not crushed. Bruised, badly bruised, and hurting. Wounded, yet full of hope and through the pathways of my being wafts an old favorite hymn...

"Peace like a river attendeth my soul
When sorrows like sea billows role..."

Truly, at the core of it all, through the power and love of my God, I can honestly say,
"It is well with my soul."